


Name the Trampled Flowers

by hotkadamn (shadowslovesong), hummdrumlife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:39:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowslovesong/pseuds/hotkadamn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/hummdrumlife/pseuds/hummdrumlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A three-part angst fic in which Eren tries to come to terms with his humanity and generally is an indecisive teenager.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Name the Trampled Flowers

Eren and Armin lie on the same stiff bed, the slats digging into their shoulder blades, their feet facing opposite directions (Eren's akimbo and Armin's curled to one side), their hair blended against the sheets, black and gold twining. One of Eren's hands is up by his cheek, the other by his side. The only sound for the moment is the spit and crackle of the torches on the walls. Ever since they'd seen one another in the yard, Armin had started coming down to the basement at night to sit with Eren after training. Sometimes they spoke, sometimes Eren was too tangled in his personal webs of fury and confusion to handle conversation, so they'd just lie there, Armin's presence exuding pulses of warmth beside him, keeping him human and alive. Eren never asked why Armin had started visiting him; it isn't the kind of question he  _can_  ask, because he's scared of the answer. That's strange, isn't it. He's more scared of the answer to that question than he is of the Titans, their mission, of the tribunal. Scared, because it could change everything.  
  
Before Eren speaks, he closes his eyes, listening to Armin's steady breath.  
  
  
"Armin," he begins quietly. "What's your biggest fear?"

The sudden question startles Armin out of his non-sleep. He's never been fantastic at sleeping, there are always too many racing thoughts, too many questions and half-completed plans. Too much depends on his thoughts, and he worries that the moment he puts them on hold, he'll fail them all.   
  
And so his sleep is by and large dozing, the sort of sleep in which he knows he's dreaming when he starts to drift. He's just gotten to that point when Eren's voice breaks through the mist. He opens his eyes as Eren's close, the question drifting through his mind and settling in the quiet.   
  
Armin is used to having all the answers, for better or for worse. But this is one question that gives him pause. To his dismay, it's a question he feels he has far too many possible answers for. So much scares him... so much  _terrifies_  him. One thing is certain, he can no longer say the answer is his own death. The days of fearing his own mortality have long since past. There are worse things, far worse. Some that have already come to pass.   
  
"Failing," he says first, meeting Eren's quiet tone. There's no hesitance, though, no shame. He has always trusted Eren, with his fears and secrets, with the wild, whirlwind dreams and passions that no one else could understand. With his life and with his heart. "I'm afraid of failing everyone, failing humanity. One day, one of my plans will not work out, you know. It's just a matter of time. I am afraid of being useless... of being a burden. I'm afraid of being alone."   
  
 _I'm afraid of failing you, of being your burden, I'm afraid of losing you._

The answer surprises Eren - he'd been so wrapped up in his own thoughts that any answer other than the echoes in his own head would surprise him.   
  
 _Losing control. The darkness of subconscious violence. Becoming the monster down to the depths of me, just like what they see when they look at me with fear, so much fear. My teeth on human skin. Hurting you. Losing you._  
  
He blinks his eyes open and tilts his head slightly toward Armin, the perpetual frown that stabs an ache between his brows deepening for a moment.  
  
"You're never going to be alone," he says matter-of-fact, sounding surprised at the very idea, but unwilling to dive into what that really means, which is why the next words chase the first. "That's what joining the Corps means. We're a unit now."

It's very like Eren, the response. So much so that it almost makes Armin smile in the darkness. "Yes, I suppose."   
  
 _I could have all of the Corps and Garrison and the Military Police too but without Mikasa, with **you** , I would be alone. You  **idiot.**_  
  
"So... what's your answer, then?"

He blinks once more, then says all he feels like he can say here, with Armin, where the thought of flesh ripping apart from flesh isn't allowed to enter.  
  
"Not getting to see your world. The one you told me about."

Now a real smile tugs at Armin's lips, however faint.  _His_  world. As if by reading the words from his illegal book, he'd created it himself. As if Eren can only enter it with Armin's permission. (Though god knows if that were the case, Eren would have it.)   
  
"You'll see it, Eren. One day you'll bring down the last of the Titans, and you'll see the oceans and deserts and the rainforests too. I promise."

He feels warmth bloom in his throat, shooting down into his chest, making his eyes brighter in the dark. This is the second best gift that Armin gives him - this furious hope, the feeling that he can reach out, clench and yank the future he wants toward him because  _Armin_  tells him he can.  
  
Eren slides his hand across the mattress and twines his fingers quickly through Armin's, suddenly holding it beside his cheek with the kind of tight insistence that says he's trying to act casual but knows the gesture is anything but. His breath is uneven where it rebounds off their skin and it speaks volumes when he can't.

Armin breathes in softly, chest puffing up with the gasp as his fingers curl around Eren's. It's not as though they've never held hands before. But the suddenness of it takes him by surprise, the severity even more so. He lets it settle there, through his fingers and then skin, to his heart, and then he gently squeezes back. He lets it say whatever Eren needs to hear. He's sure that whatever Eren is thinking, it must be true for him as well.

Armin's hand becomes an anchor gradually, tethering him back down to this bed in this basement, two boys only daring to dream again. He'll get there, they both will.  _But it's late,_  the torches hiss, _stay in the dark for tonight, wait for your moment. Just wait, and listen. Listen._  
  
Listen. Eren's breathing deepens again as he shifts closer again, until his forehead nudges against the side of Armin's and his eyes can close again.  
  
"Tell me about it again."

Armin peeks one eye open, catching a glimpse of what little he can see of Eren's face so close to his. His hand in Eren's is warm, he can feel the soft streams of breath on his exhales. In a way, it already feels like he is lying beside the ocean. But that's probably just the exhaustion at work.   
  
"Well... the world out there... did you know it is actually mostly water? They say a whole two thirds of it is just ocean! And back when humanity thrived, before the Titans, there was so much ocean and it goes so deep that explorers had only covered 20% of it even after hundreds of years. And there are these underwater forests, Eren! They're called reefs, and there's just miles of plants called coral in all different colors growing along the ocean floor. Well, they're not really plants, they're actually invertebrates but they  _look_  like plants. And there are fish, way deep down at the bottom of the sea, that can light themselves up like a torch, because no sunlight can reach that far. Isn't that amazing?"

"Fish... that glow."  
  
Eren winces with disbelief, his eyebrows lifting, a tiny hint of a smile on his lips. That last part is because Armin is smiling, and that tends to affect him whether he'd like it to or not.  
  
"You're kidding."

Armin laughs, forgetting himself in his own wonder and the light in Eren's eyes.   
  
"I'm not! Some of them have a sort of antennae coming off their head with a ball that glows at the end. Like their own built-in lantern. It's too bad we weren't born with those too."

"What would you do with a built in lantern? Besides use it to read for even longer every night." The bemused look on Eren's face, smile and all, increases in intensity.

Armin actually giggles, light and airy. It's not a sound he's used to making much anymore, and he misses the way it bounces through his chest and, just for a moment, clears away some of the heaviness and pain. When it does happen these days, it's usually with Eren. He feels his cheeks tinge with pink. "Oh be quiet, it would be very useful for the Corps."

There's sunlight for a moment - Armin's laugh, the bubbles of it popping in the air and making the bed and Eren's veins tremble - but then, just as quickly as it came, the darkness crashes back down.  
  
The Corps. Their swords pointed at him, the fear, the distrust. And it's exactly what they _should_  do, because he's unpredictable. He's dangerous. Eren's eyes glaze as his chin drops, his hair casting a shadow over the top of one of his cheeks. He pauses before speaking, playfulness gone.  
  
"... I'm losing control, Armin."

A beat, and then Armin's smile wilts at the corners. He's smart... and more importantly, he knows Eren, and he already has an idea of what he might mean. Still, he asks anyway, heart sinking. "Losing control? What do you mean, Eren?"

He lays back and looks up at the ceiling, the weight in his chest thudding down and settling, making his eyes wide and hollow, his lips a thin line. If he could stop himself from answering, he would, but this is what he's supposed to do - confide in Armin, trust in Armin.   
  
"... What if I really am more Titan than I am human? I can't control myself when I change, I can't even decide when I do. What if that form is my actual self, and some day I just disappear."  
  
 _What if this is the lie, and the monster is what I actually see reflected back in the mirror?_

Armin looks at him, though Eren is no longer looking back. His fingers tighten around his hand. A human hand. Warm, not steaming hot, with human blood and human skin. Attached to a human arm, controlled by a human mind. How strange that Eren questions that, when Armin has never given it a moment of extra thought. Eren has always been human, no more and no less.  
  
"Oh, Eren... if that were true, you wouldn't be asking these questions."

"Then what am I?"  
  
He levels his eyes on Armin again, both staring straight down into him, and the fear surfaces as anger like it always does.  _That makes sense, doesn't it. He's always been so angry. He's always been this._  As he's speaking, without meaning to, his hand starts to grip Armin's tighter and tighter. At first it feels as if he's simply searching for a connection, but his fingers clench and twist as if they'll never stop, and he shows no sign of realizing what he's doing.  
  
" _Why_  am I like this - there has to be a reason, you know that. Maybe I'm just not meant to live any kind of normal life. Maybe pretending that I'm anything but a Titan will get someone killed, maybe everyone would be better off if I just left to fight on my own so that nobody gets in the way when I finally lose my mind completely."

One would think that by now, Armin would be used to Eren's outbursts. But it slices through the quiet so suddenly, his hand so quickly viced in Eren's, that he jerks in surprise. But the discomfort in his hand, the thudding in his chest, is nothing compared to the desperation in Eren's eyes. Once Armin really looks, he can't see the rage. Not when the terror beneath it is so intense. So he doesn't pull his hand and he doesn't yell out, he doesn't break his gaze.  
  
"You are like this because you're going to kill all the titans. Every last one." Simple. Logical. It's the way Armin thinks, the way Armin works, and the only answer he believes in. He takes a breath and adds quietly, and just as simply, "You're hurting my hand a bit Eren."

He continues to grip, desperate somewhere deep inside of him, until he hears those last words. Then he sucks in a gasp and his eyes widen and tremble just that bit more as he releases Armin's hand and draws backward, his lips parted in the fear that drowns his anger.  
  
He hadn't meant to. He would never hurt Armin, never.  _But you would now_ , some dark part of him hisses as his heart thuds and his ears rush with white noise.  _You **will**  now. Because you're a monster. One by one, they'll either run or you'll crush them. It's starting already._  
  
Eren exhales with as loud a hiss as the one he'd pulled in and abruptly sits up, facing away from Armin, his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. He looks toward the corner of the room, his fear becoming discomfort and guilt, his mouth nearly a pout.  
  
"... I'm sorry."

It's suddenly much colder in the dark basement. Armin hadn't noticed till now. He furrows his brow, looking from his now lonely hand to the empty place on the bed beside him. He pushes up to his knees and inches toward his friend. "Eren?" He asks softly to his turned back. "It's really okay. Honestly. It was nothing."

Nothing.  _Nothing._  He could have broken Armin's hand and not even noticed until afterwards.  
  
"How can you say that," Eren whispers, before answering his own question silently.  _Because he thinks you're human. Because he doesn't want to admit the truth about what's happening. Because... he wouldn't be here if he knew it, really knew it._  
  
The basement chill sinks into his bones and Eren feels all of a sudden as if he's choking in the narrow confines of this room, this bed. He stands up and takes two steps away from the bed, one fist unconsciously clenched, although he tries to make his voice even.  
  
"I need to go for a walk."

Armin bites his lip as Eren steps away from the bed. He isn't sure what he can say. Sometimes, Eren's faith in Armin's ability to "always know what to do" is just... utterly untrue.   
  
"...Eren," he calls softly, lifting a hand despite not being able to reach him from where he sits anyway.

When Armin has nothing more to add, it seems to confirm the worst: that he has no way to controvert it. Eren's something too foreign to be defended, too alien to rationalize, and too dark to care for.  
  
"See you in the morning," Eren murmurs softly without looking back at Armin's face, then slips out of the door.

 


End file.
